I’m back

Oh wow…. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I wrote.  Almost a month.  I missed blogging.  I missed reading all of your blogs, even though I have attempted at times to tackle my Google reader, I haven’t ever made a dent in it and it still say 1,000+.  That alone stresses me out.  I missed the blogging world.

So let me go back…

I wrote about my break up here.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end.

I wasn’t ready to let him go.

Without realizing it I had fallen in love with him.

After months of refusing to let him in… after months of pushing him away… after months of me screaming that I wasn’t going to love him… I did.

I don’t know when things changed.  I can’t pinpoint a certain time when the walls I had around my heart came crumbling down, but there I was standing amongst the heap of bricks, my hand extended for him to walk through and he refused.

It was like all this time that he had been pushing and pushing…

all this time that he refused to walk away…

all this time that he was professing his love to me…

turned out to be all a lie.

It wasn’t that he just didn’t walk through,

he cheated on me.

He cheated on me with someone I work with.

He cheated, and now I had to look him and her in the face every time I went to work.

Sounds like the making of a soap opera, right?

He broke me.

I would love to tell you that I was strong, that I walked away knowing that it was his lost, but I didn’t.

I cried many tears.

I spent many nights in pain.

I forgot how to live.

I was merely just surviving.

My appetite was nonexistent.

The things I once enjoyed doing, seemed more like a chore.

I wanted to crawl into my bed, cover myself up in the darkness and lay there until things started feeling better, but of course that wasn’t an option.  I am a mother.

I had to survive and in the eyes of those around me I had to look like everything was okay. 

It was a mask that was exhausting to wear. 

I waited for the times where I was alone, and could cry without anyone seeing.

I would sob in the car.

I would scream.

I would play songs on repeat.

I would pray.

I’m finally starting to feel better.

I’m picking up the pieces of my broken heart and gluing them back together.

He may have broke me, but I refuse to let him win.

I don’t know where my blog is going to go write now,

but I hope that you will stick with me.

I’m back 

and hopefully I’ll be better than ever soon.