I just wanted to feel beautiful

Today wasn’t the day that I had been waiting for, and really it wasn’t all that fun.

Me and my bestie Erin were going to go up to Potomac Mills which is an outlet mall in Va, that has a lot of stores that we don’t have around my town.  I was looking for my birthday party dress.  For those of you who don’t know I’m throwing myself, a 30th birthday party.  I’ve planned this party for a year.  I reserved a room at a local winery, ordered invitations, invited my close friends and family… and just can’t wait for the day.  It’s 11 days away, and it seems like it’s getting so close.  I have the shows… all I need is a dress which I didn’t think I would have any problem finding.  I thought I would walk into the store and a dress would shout out to me and I would know that was the dress I wanted.  I waited to hear that call, but it never came.

I went to store after store.  I found dresses that I liked, but unfortunately I am not a 0, 4, or 8 which were the only size dresses that they had.  I would try a dress on and look at myself and want to cry.  I want to cry now as I write this to you.  I’ve never had to think about a store before I went into it.  I never thought oh they won’t have anything that fits me, but that’s all I thought today.  I felt fat.  I felt like nothing looked right on me.  I looked at every part of my body and could tell you what I didn’t like about it.  I didn’t like the way my arms spread when they were at my side, or how fat my stomach looked, or how large my thighs looked.  I couldn’t look at myself and think anything positive.  After a while Potomac Mills got to be too much for me.  I didn’t want to pick through dress after dress.  I didn’t want to see that they didn’t have my size.  We left and headed back to Fredericksburg.

We were kind of limited on time, and stopped at Wendy’s so we could get something we could eat while driving.  It wasn’t the best idea.  I didn’t get anything good for me.  Was it emotional eating?  I’m sure.  Did I feel bad? Nope.  I felt bad enough.

We got back to Fredericksburg and went into Kohls, Target, Macy’s, Belks, JCPennys…nothing.  Well, I did find one dress at Kohls, but didn’t really like how it fit me.  I picked up two dresses at Target, just because Erin was being a good friend and told me they looked good.  She knew how I was feeling.  So I left with dresses, but nothing that made me feel beautiful.  When I picture my party, I picture myself int he perfect dress.  I picture walking and everyone would think Wow look at her, because I don’t get dresses up too often.  I wouldn’t that reaction, and I just don’t feel beautiful in anything that I have, and that’s all I want.

I had pictures of some of my foods today, but it just doesn’t seem like a post for me to put pictures.

I can say that I had a salad with some chicken and glazed pecans for dinner, since I had a not so good lunch.

I passed my tests. 

I did not get to go to Trader Joe’s!  I’m really upset about that one, too.  I thought that I was going to walk into the mall and find my dress in no time.  I thought that after I found my dress we would be so close to a Trader Joe’s that we could finally go there.  I did not think that I would spend a total of 5 hours trying on dress after dress and coming home with nothing that felt right.  I guess that’s life.


15 Responses to “I just wanted to feel beautiful”

  1. Sabrina Says:

    I am so sorry your day did not go as you had hoped! Seems like those sort of days happen to me a lot lately too, especially in the clothing department. I will be thinking of you and I really hope you find your perfect dress. You will be beautiful on your special day!

  2. Di @ http://thetreadmilldiaries.com/ Says:

    Sorry you weren’t able to find a dress you like. No matter what your size or body shape ..we all have bad shopping days where nothing looks or feels right. Hopefully, you have some time to give it another try.

    Not sure if you have a Lord & Taylor’s near you…but I’ve found they carry a pretty big formal/dress selection in all sizes. You may pay a bit more but it’s worth it if you find that special dress. Good luck with your search.

  3. lauravirginia Says:

    Aw Kristi, you ARE beautiful! We all have those days where we aren’t satisfied with anything we try on! But I know that you have been working so hard, and all of your hard work is going to pay off! That is one great thing about blogging, if you are feeling down, look back on your old posts and be reminded of how hard you have been working!

    • kristisn Says:

      You are so right. I was complaining to my friend yesterday that I should’ve done more to feel more confident at my party, but the truth is I’m making the changes now… I have to remember that.

  4. Jess Says:

    I totally know how you feel, I had a similar experience buying a dress for a formal about a month ago. You are beautiful!

  5. krisgetshealthy Says:

    We ALL have those days, where nothing fits right or feels right! I struggle to find things that look right on what I when I am pissy refer to as my dumpy lumpy body. I am sure you are going to look phenominal in whatever you end up wearing. Remember, it is all about confidence. The most important thing you can wear is your smile!
    You are going to have a great time at your party, laugh loudly smile proudly and live life fully embraced in the moment! It is going to rock! Glam up whatever dress you got, with the great shoes and a nice necklace, throw some polish on your nails, do your hair and Rock your confident, healthier body!
    You have entered a new phase in your life, 30 is a stepping stone, so take running start at it and JUMP for it! You are gonna have a blast! Just keep your chin up!

    • kristisn Says:

      Thanks so much! Yesterday was a hard day, but I woke up today feeling rejuvenated. I am turning 30 and I am becoming healthier with each day. No one said it would be an easy path…

  6. adventuresofpretendcook Says:

    That really sucks! I’m sorry you had such a rough time. Sometimes it just seems as if there is a massive conspiracy from stores that prevent you from buying something nice. You will have a great time at your party. I am sure of it. 🙂

  7. Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun Says:

    You know I can relate to having a day like that. I hate hearing you had to face that and I hope you are feeling better today. Remember what you would tell a friend – that she is beautiful and people care about her. Think that for yourself too, because it’s the truth.

  8. Kat Says:

    I love outlet malls, but I really hate shopping at them when I’m looking for something specific. It’s always deeply depressing.

    Keep your head up, girl!

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