I just wanted to feel beautiful

Today wasn’t the day that I had been waiting for, and really it wasn’t all that fun.

Me and my bestie Erin were going to go up to Potomac Mills which is an outlet mall in Va, that has a lot of stores that we don’t have around my town.  I was looking for my birthday party dress.  For those of you who don’t know I’m throwing myself, a 30th birthday party.  I’ve planned this party for a year.  I reserved a room at a local winery, ordered invitations, invited my close friends and family… and just can’t wait for the day.  It’s 11 days away, and it seems like it’s getting so close.  I have the shows… all I need is a dress which I didn’t think I would have any problem finding.  I thought I would walk into the store and a dress would shout out to me and I would know that was the dress I wanted.  I waited to hear that call, but it never came.

I went to store after store.  I found dresses that I liked, but unfortunately I am not a 0, 4, or 8 which were the only size dresses that they had.  I would try a dress on and look at myself and want to cry.  I want to cry now as I write this to you.  I’ve never had to think about a store before I went into it.  I never thought oh they won’t have anything that fits me, but that’s all I thought today.  I felt fat.  I felt like nothing looked right on me.  I looked at every part of my body and could tell you what I didn’t like about it.  I didn’t like the way my arms spread when they were at my side, or how fat my stomach looked, or how large my thighs looked.  I couldn’t look at myself and think anything positive.  After a while Potomac Mills got to be too much for me.  I didn’t want to pick through dress after dress.  I didn’t want to see that they didn’t have my size.  We left and headed back to Fredericksburg.

We were kind of limited on time, and stopped at Wendy’s so we could get something we could eat while driving.  It wasn’t the best idea.  I didn’t get anything good for me.  Was it emotional eating?  I’m sure.  Did I feel bad? Nope.  I felt bad enough.

We got back to Fredericksburg and went into Kohls, Target, Macy’s, Belks, JCPennys…nothing.  Well, I did find one dress at Kohls, but didn’t really like how it fit me.  I picked up two dresses at Target, just because Erin was being a good friend and told me they looked good.  She knew how I was feeling.  So I left with dresses, but nothing that made me feel beautiful.  When I picture my party, I picture myself int he perfect dress.  I picture walking and everyone would think Wow look at her, because I don’t get dresses up too often.  I wouldn’t that reaction, and I just don’t feel beautiful in anything that I have, and that’s all I want.

I had pictures of some of my foods today, but it just doesn’t seem like a post for me to put pictures.

I can say that I had a salad with some chicken and glazed pecans for dinner, since I had a not so good lunch.

I passed my tests. 

I did not get to go to Trader Joe’s!  I’m really upset about that one, too.  I thought that I was going to walk into the mall and find my dress in no time.  I thought that after I found my dress we would be so close to a Trader Joe’s that we could finally go there.  I did not think that I would spend a total of 5 hours trying on dress after dress and coming home with nothing that felt right.  I guess that’s life.