It’s been three days since I posted.  It’s hard to write when you’re treading water just trying to survive.

Somethings, like taking pictures of my eats, doesn’t seem that relevant when my life feels like it’s spiraling out of control.

I feel lost.

I feel stuck.

I feel sad.

And I feel like I have to pretend that it’s not as bad as it is, for my daughter’s sake.

I’ve talked briefly about the conflicts that I have with my parents, but recently things have gotten worse.  No one will really understand how bad it is unless I go back…. I would have to go back years, for someone to truly understand what it is that I’m going through.  Most people have someone to go through these trials and tribulations with, but right not I feel like I’m on my own.

I’ve learned recently that people who I trusted, people who I considered friends, really aren’t.

Do you know what it feels like to not really know who or what to trust?  That the time where you really, really need someone no one is there.

I continue to get out of bed every morning, even though there are times where all I want to do is stay in bed.

I continue to be a mom to Justine, because she deserved nothing less.

I continue through life, because that is what I have to do.  I have to survive.

I know that this is just a phase.  I know that I will work out all of the million things circling my head.  I know that I will come out better, happier.  I haven’t given up.

So I was going to wait to post about this, but I feel like this post needs a positive ending.  Let me tell you.  I’ve had a secret.  I was hiding something from you, from my friends, from my family…. I was a smoker.   A closest smoker.  I only smoked by myself.  When no one I know would see me.  I was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed when i had to go into the store and ask for a pack of cigarettes.  I was embarrassed to be wasting money on something that I KNEW was causing me harm.  26 days ago I decided to quit.  I thought about all those people who lived healthy lives and got sick.  I thought about how unfair it was, and then I thought about myself.  Why am I doing something that could cause me to die?  How would I feel if one day they told me I was sick and it was my fault? I thought of Justine.  So it’s been 26 days and no cigarette, and I am proud.   There were plenty of time I could’ve given in and had a cigarette, but I didn’t. 

Thanks again for listening.

I’ll be back to regular postings tomorrow.


6 Responses to “Survive”

  1. Hally Says:

    It takes alot of strength to say no when all you want to do is say yes. You’re an inspiration.

  2. Jess Says:

    First of all, congratulations on the no smoking! you are awesome.
    second, i can really identify with your struggles, and i am glad you at least have an outlet here. as you know, you can and will get through this!

  3. Laura Says:

    UNREAL! 26 days!! I can’t imagine how wonderful it must feel, to do something that good for yourself and for your daughter. Congratulations!

    I love that you say “I know that I will come out better, happier”. That attitude will be your greatest asset through times like this. Stay strong!

  4. Kat Says:

    Lady, I am SO proud of you for quitting! Don’t be ashamed – be proud that you’re doing something that is moving your life forward – that’s a HUGE decision

  5. krisgetshealthy Says:

    Congrats on dropping the ciggs! I am proud of you!!! it really is a great step towards a better future for you and for your daughter.
    I am sorry you are going through such a rough spot with your family right now. I am glad that you are focusing on Justine and your relationship though that is so important.

  6. Jenn@slim-shoppin Says:

    Yeah for quitting smoking!! I smoked for 7 years, and quit right before I got pregnant with my son (who is almost 15 now!). It’s the hardest thing I’ve done.

    You can do it!!

    Giving you a hug from Chicago! Sorry you are having a rough time right now.

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