I had a post all written today… about the one thing that I don’t talk about a lot on my blog, but one of the things that mean so much to me.
Ahhh…yes. Love. It’s in the title of my blog. It’s one of the things that I need to make my life feel balanced, but it’s the one thing that I don’t have a lot of. Besides loving my daughter, my family, and my friends… there’s no love to be seen.
I was going to tell you how I don’t trust easily.
How I have built a wall brick by brick so that know one would be able to get to my heart.
That I do not trust.
That I have been hurt too many times before.
And then something hit me.
I was reading Tina’s post today, and I realize it’s me that I don’t trust.
I don’t trust myself.
I don’t trust myself to not overeat.
I don’t trust myself to make the right food choices.
I don’t trust that I can be a runner.
I don’t trust that I can lose the weight that I want to lose.
I don’t trust that I won’t binge and purge.
I don’t trust that I will choose the salad over the fried chicken.
I don’t trust that I will pick the right guy.
I don’t trust that I will allow myself to feel loved and to be loved.
Food is one of my biggest loves… but it’s also one of my worst fears.
I fear food like I fear a broke heart.
I have had a love/hate relationship with food since I can remember.
When I was a teenager I would eat an orange a day, and then go run five miles so that I could be thin.
I have overate and purged because the guilt was too extreme.
I have looked in the mirror and picked out every flaw I could find.
I loved to eat, but I hated the way it made me feel.
What I realized today is that I need to learn to trust myself. I need to learn to listen. I will not steer myself wrong and I need to have faith in that. I need to realize that I will make the decisions that are best for ME, no one else.
I need to trust that I appreciate my body so much more now, that I won’t be destructive to it.
I am slowly learning.
I am slowly healing.
And I am slowly learning to love myself again.