do you trust yourself?

I had a post all written today… about the one thing that I don’t talk about a lot on my blog, but one of the things that mean so much to me.

Love

Ahhh…yes.  Love.  It’s in the title of my blog.  It’s one of the things that I need to make my life feel balanced, but it’s the one thing that I don’t have a lot of.  Besides loving my daughter, my family, and my friends… there’s no love to be seen.

I was going to tell you how I don’t trust easily.

How I have built a wall brick by brick so that know one would be able to get to my heart.

That I do not trust.

That I have been hurt too many times before.

And then something hit me.

I was reading Tina’s post today, and I realize it’s me that I don’t trust.

I don’t trust myself.

I don’t trust myself to not overeat.

I don’t trust myself to make the right food choices.

I don’t trust that I can be a runner.

I don’t trust that I can lose the weight that I want to lose.

I don’t trust that I won’t binge and purge.

I don’t trust that I will choose the salad over the fried chicken.

I don’t trust that I will pick the right guy.

I don’t trust that I will allow myself to feel loved and to be loved.

Food is one of my biggest loves… but it’s also one of my worst fears.

I fear food like I fear a broke heart.

I have had a love/hate relationship with food since I can remember. 

When I was a teenager I would eat an orange a day, and then go run five miles so that I could be thin.

I have overate and purged because the guilt was too extreme.

I have looked in the mirror and picked out every flaw I could find.

I loved to eat, but I hated the way it made me feel.

What I realized today is that I need to learn to trust myself.  I need to learn to listen.  I will not steer myself wrong and I need to have faith in that.  I need to realize that I will make the decisions that are best for ME, no one else.

I need to trust that I appreciate my body so much more now, that I won’t be destructive to it.

I am slowly learning.

 

I am slowly healing.

And I am slowly learning to love myself again.

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13 Responses to “do you trust yourself?”

  1. Kat Says:

    Lady, this was so powerful to read. I know that for me, personally, trusting myself is a daily struggle.

    • kristisn Says:

      It’s an everyday struggle for me, too. But these things are things that I didn’t even realize about myself. Trusting myself I think is the biggest thing I need to work on.

  2. Kat Says:

    p.s. That top you asked about is Trina Turk – it’s swim cover-up that I wear as a tunic that I found on the final sale rack at TJ Maxx. Jackpot.

  3. IHeartVegetables Says:

    Loving yourself is super important! I’m glad you’re getting on the right track! I know it can be really hard, and I struggle with a lot of the same stuff that you mentioned. Honestly, the blog world has been a great support system to help me accept who I am!

    • kristisn Says:

      This blog world has opened me up to so many different people and things. I’m so glad that I started my blog, and started reading all of the other blogs out there. It’s really given me the push I needed to make the right changes.

  4. workingmomworksout Says:

    That’s a big realization. I’ve been there and still have days when I’m there. You’re on the right path, though.

  5. SheFIt Says:

    WOW! This is such an inspirational post. Definitely something I need to write out and place somewhere that I can read daily. Fear and trust is something that I definitely struggle with.

    • kristisn Says:

      Thank you. That means a lot to me. I just decided that I’m going to write whatever it is that comes to my mind. No more holding back.

  6. Andie @ CanYouStayForDinner Says:

    I adore this post. You are beautiful for knowing yourself and what more you want of life 🙂

  7. Mary @ Bites and Bliss Says:

    Wow, this was beautiful. And very brave of you to open up like this! I used to suffer from the same thoughts, especially aobut love..you know, about not trusting to pick the right guy and all. But once I learned to trust myself..not to live by perfection, but to trust myself within my imperfections, that I’m living for myself, my health, and my happiness…then everything else fell into place.


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