Today I realized

Today I realized just how out of shape I am.

I think I mentioned this way back when, but me and my Dad are having a race Thanksgiving morning.  We’re having our own kind of Turkey Trot.  My father once made the comment that he could beat me running, so being the betting kind of gal I took him up on the challenge.  Back then I was exercising regularly.  I started the C25k program and am on week 2.  I’m not going to finish it by Thanksgiving, but at least I’m starting.  I won’t be able to hold my head up if my 59 year old father beats me in a 3 mile run.

So today I’m giving myself a challenge.

For the next 30 days I will exercise at the minimum 30 mins, but will be trying for 60.

I also started the 30 day Shred DVD… which brings me to how outta shape I am.

I couldn’t finish a 20 minute workout DVD.  20 minutes people!  I was dying after the first circuit.  There’s only 3.

I’m not going to let it get me down though.  I’m going to add it to my challenge.  I’m going to take it one circuit at a time.  I’m not going to move onto the next circuit until I can complete it without taking any breaks.  Small steps people, small steps.

This morning I hopped on the treadmill and did the the C25k.  At this point your only doing 20 minutes of jogging/walking, but since I was catching up on my DVR recordings…. Real Housewives of Atlanta anyone… I stayed on the treadmill 45 minutes.  I then completed 13 minutes of the 30 Day Shred.  63 minutes of exercise.  Even though I was upset about how out of shape I am, I also feel good for getting my workout in.

For breakfast today I went back to what I knew… a Green Monster. 

It’s been so long since I had one of these.  I love getting a couple servings of veggies and fruit first thing in the morning.  I don’t know why I stopped drinking these.  They are sooo good.

For my morning snack I had Amande yogurt which is almond milk yogurt and some coconut granola.

This is my all time favorite yogurt.  I love it more than Greek yogurt.

And for lunch a big ol’ salad.  It’s time to start getting veggies back in my diet. 

It wasn’t that I wasn’t eating veggies… I was it just seemed like they weren’t the staple in my diet that they should have been. 

Today turned out to be a pretty productive day.  Though I would’ve liked to sit in front of the TV like I have been doing… I feel so much better about myself when I get things done around the house.

I hope everyone else is enjoying their Wednesday.

The Truth is…

The truth is… I have let myself down.

The truth is… I didn’t want to admit it to myself, or any of you.

The truth is… I haven’t exercised regularly since the beginning of the summer.

The truth is… I haven’t tracked my food since the last time I exercised regularly.

The truth is… I have been living in denial.

The truth is… I have had to buy bigger pants.

The truth is… I am bigger than I have ever been in my life.

The truth is… I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror.

The truth is… I have been living in denial.

The truth is… I counting calories seems foreign to me.

The truth is… I have forgotten what it’s like to like a healthy life.

The truth is… I have forgotten how to live.

The truth is… I miss blogging.

The truth is… I miss fruits and veggies being a regular part of my diet.

The truth is… I have eaten what I want, when I wanted, with no thought about the consequences.

The truth is… I feel like I let my blog down.

The truth is… I have been more sick this fall then I remember being in a long time.

The truth is… I blame it on my lifestyle.

The truth is… I am tired of being lazy.

The truth is… I am ready to get my life back to where it once was.

The truth is… my camera was stolen when my house was broken into.

The truth is… I need to start taking pictures of my eats for the day like I used to.

The truth is… It’s time to be honest.

 

I have missed everyone.

I have missed commenting on blogs, though I never stopped reading them. 

I felt like a failure.  It wasn’t something that I wanted to admit to myself or to any of you so I took a hiatus.  If I didn’t see it in print then it wasn’t true. 

If I covered my weight gain up with a bigger size pant, and loose fitting shirts then no one would know. 

I don’t know if it was that I didn’t realize what I was doing all along, or if it was that I didn’t want to admit it. 

This summer through me for a loop, but I didn’t think that I was that weak that I would let a little heartache detour my from the journey I was on.  I didn’t think I would let anyone have that control.

It’s time that I take the blinders off.

It’s time that I go back to what I know.

It’s time that I get my life back.

And that is the truth.

I’m back

Oh wow…. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I wrote.  Almost a month.  I missed blogging.  I missed reading all of your blogs, even though I have attempted at times to tackle my Google reader, I haven’t ever made a dent in it and it still say 1,000+.  That alone stresses me out.  I missed the blogging world.

So let me go back…

I wrote about my break up here.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end.

I wasn’t ready to let him go.

Without realizing it I had fallen in love with him.

After months of refusing to let him in… after months of pushing him away… after months of me screaming that I wasn’t going to love him… I did.

I don’t know when things changed.  I can’t pinpoint a certain time when the walls I had around my heart came crumbling down, but there I was standing amongst the heap of bricks, my hand extended for him to walk through and he refused.

It was like all this time that he had been pushing and pushing…

all this time that he refused to walk away…

all this time that he was professing his love to me…

turned out to be all a lie.

It wasn’t that he just didn’t walk through,

he cheated on me.

He cheated on me with someone I work with.

He cheated, and now I had to look him and her in the face every time I went to work.

Sounds like the making of a soap opera, right?

He broke me.

I would love to tell you that I was strong, that I walked away knowing that it was his lost, but I didn’t.

I cried many tears.

I spent many nights in pain.

I forgot how to live.

I was merely just surviving.

My appetite was nonexistent.

The things I once enjoyed doing, seemed more like a chore.

I wanted to crawl into my bed, cover myself up in the darkness and lay there until things started feeling better, but of course that wasn’t an option.  I am a mother.

I had to survive and in the eyes of those around me I had to look like everything was okay. 

It was a mask that was exhausting to wear. 

I waited for the times where I was alone, and could cry without anyone seeing.

I would sob in the car.

I would scream.

I would play songs on repeat.

I would pray.

I’m finally starting to feel better.

I’m picking up the pieces of my broken heart and gluing them back together.

He may have broke me, but I refuse to let him win.

I don’t know where my blog is going to go write now,

but I hope that you will stick with me.

I’m back 

and hopefully I’ll be better than ever soon.